Food For Thought

 So I recently became a healthier eater. Many of my friends would still say I am not. But I swear, besides sugar/chocolate... I have cut out 99% of the crappy food that used to make up 100% of my meals. In a nutshell, I try not to eat any food that is processed, that and no red meat are really the only two major rules I go by.  And believe me, I know that cheez-its, tostitos, and golfish are processed... but I didn't say I had mastered this mindset. I just really try hard to limit what goes in my body. Also,  While I would like to be fully organic, I admit, because there is no organic/green grocery store near my house, I do not buy everything organic. With that being said, I buy anything I can.

Interestingly enough, now that I have cut the amount of cheez-its/goldfish/tostitos that I eat in half, and eliminated oreos/cookies/easymac/ ramen/red meat/chips.... basically anything not homemade, out of my diet... I really don't miss any of it (Except on Fat, F*** it Friday, where I will buy one small bag of chips).  I really feel so healthy. I think because the processed foods have so many chemicals/ refined flavoring, that you jsut eat  eat eat, and then feel like grubby lard afterwards. And honestly, I would never notice unless I actively tried to stop eating such. Which I have, which is why I have noticed. It is a conscious choice every day. However, unless I have seen what goes into what I am eating (homemade sauces, homemade mac and cheese, homemade cookies), then I am very weary about the portions that I take in.

Now, I wouldn't necessarily say that I am healthy. There is a big difference between eating healthier and eating healthy. But it is a slow process. I do have at least 1 serving of vegetables, and 5 servings of fruit each day. So yes, it is healthy. However, I still refuse to eat salads.


 Thus, in my endeavors of trying new foods (oh, did I mention, I am the pickiest eater alive??), I started to try fish. A little background information.... before my sophomore year of college, I didn't eat: pineapple, meat sauce, hamburgers, english muffins, bananas lasagna, asparagus, cauliflower, spinach, tomatoes, quesadillas. I lived on solely cheese and crackers, steak, chicken fingers, and mac and cheese.  And ice cream, lots of ice cream. HOW BORING! And no it's not because of any old reason, it was because I sworeeeee I didn't like it. In reality, I never gave them a fair chance. I now will eat all of those foods, and they actually make up a significant portion of my diet.

So, I now am one for trying new things. Last night I tried mushrooms (ick), and just this past 6 months, I had fish. I kind of forced myself to try Fish since I know it is so good for you. In my line of work, it is all you hear about is all of the benefits. Thus, I now love fish.

 So I found this amazing blog, that I spend way too much time reading... (The Wily Hound) and found this recipe for fish....The RECIPE. Follow below for my pictures of the process!

At this great fish market in Middletown, RI, Anthony's. The freshest fish in town! So yummy!

$15 of fish.... it doesn't come cheap when it's fresh!

Sliced, with some salt, pepper and olive oil. I wasn't sure how to put the olive oil on, I think next time I need to use a paint brush of some sorts.

The recipe called for breadcrumbs, but I always prefer RITZ.

Ritz, butter and lemon mixed together.

Ritz layered onto the fish. I should have made the RITZ a little bit smaller.

Next step: Wine, olive oil, butter, lemon.

Fresh tomatoes and spinach!

Veggies in wine sauce. I either didn't let the wine evaporate enough, or put too much in. It didn't make it taste bad at all, but I definitely would use less next time.

Finished Fish and Tomatos and Spinach in Wine Sauce. AMAZING. That is all.

Nothing better then to finish  off the amazing meal with a glass of wine.

As I was enjoying this great meal... I noticed this horrid smell. I had left a pot holder on the stove and it burned/melted completely.

And ruined the stove....

A weekend of drinks and deserts

Eye Candy.... and to commemorate the welcoming of spring... in Meredith, NH, Lincoln, NH and Newport, RI, Boston, MA.

Greg got the mint oreo mudslide, and I got a dark and stormy. After dinner drinks at Brick Alley Pub in Newport, RI.

Newport Storm Seasonal at the Wharf House Pub, Newport, RI

WoodStock Station Summer Ale, and Greg got shooter samplers of 5 different beers. Woodstock Station Brewery, Lincoln, NH

Strawberry Daquiris at the Town Docks, Meredith, NH

Froyo from Orange  Leaf, with Choclate Brownie Froyo, oeros, and sprinkles.Newport, RI

Nutella Crepes, and of course a Sam Summer, Boston, MA

Conscious decision, or fate?

I am the type of person where it takes me months to make a decision. Most of these decisions are minuscule, and really do not matter in the end. However, at the time they seem to create a bigger problem. I need to learn to step back, look at the bigger picture, breathe, then decide.
 I think that the reason it takes me so long to decide in the first place, is because I know that in the end, life will work out to be what it should. So if I just postpone deciding, something will just happen. Fate.

Lately I have had a lot of tension in relationships/friendships... a lot of unnecessary problems due to my inability to make a decision. Frankly, there are many reasons for why I won't decide... either:
A) I know what I want but don't want to say it B) I really don't care what happens C) I am too scared of the outcome so I just don't want to face it to make a decision. 

However, to move on in life, you must decide. You must not only decide, but to live an unregretful, happy, free life, you must decide  and be accepting of where these decisions take you. So basically it is one of the most important things to be able to do. 

It has taken me 22 years to get to this point, and I really don't think it is something I will ever master. It is something that I will always struggle with. Yes, it's okay, yes it is frustrating, and yes I would like to be better at making decisions (not in the sense that I make bad decisions, just that I am physically unable to make one).

The most important thing is that you make the choice, you are aware and accepting of the outcomes, and that you understand that everything is happening, everything is unfolding for a bigger and better purpose.

In a sum, this is the checklist that I use...when facing a choice.

1. Little stuff: A lot of the little stuff I pander over... and it comes to the point where I need to just tell myself, it doesn't matter! It doesn't matter what color shoes I wear, or if my hair curls perfectly, or what I pack for lunch. Deciding how something should be that is surperficial, on the surface, should be the least of your worries and is defintiely not a matter of fate. So when it comes to this, I try to limit my options. I try to say, well despite the 456 pairs of shoes/heels/boots.. whatever! in my closet, I will make an outfit work with only 2 of these. As silly as this may sound, it is what I need to do when ordering food, drinks, candy bars. Ultimately, you know what you want, you know what will satisfy or quench whatever needs to be quenched. The first step is admitting that that is what you want, accepting the reasons that you don't want it (the candy bar will make me fat.. i'll be the tallest ones in heels), and then own the decisions you make. Even though it is so little, if you are not comfortable when making decisions on such small things like this, how will you ever be on big obstacles? You need to master knowing how to make a decision so that you can trust that you will make the right one. Once you choose the right candy bar enough times, trust me, you know.

2. Marginal stuff: This falls into short term/medium term decisions. Such as... what will you do this weekend? Will you go to Joe's party, or Kara's, or both or neither? Will you get drunk, or will you have a snuggly weekend of reading? Should you text him OMG?

Again, stuff that is not necessarily substantial, but to you, in this moment, may feel so important, or the end of the world. It is not anything superficial in material, but superficial in meaning.  What you need to ask yourself is, well, how it looks in the big picture. Do you really want to go to Joe's, or are you going because you feel bad because you keep ditching him etc. etc. It's so much easier to strip everything away from the big picture and just look at it bare, as it is, with nothing else but the honest truth. Nothing else but what you are trying to hide from. So yeah, sometimes its an easy answer... duh, why wouldn't I. But as soon as you have a hesitation, as soon as you start to come up with another excuse- then look at the underlying reason for that. Because again, I guarantee there is one there, and I guarantee when you look at it in its rawness and pureness  it will be much clearer for what you need  and want  to do.

3. The big stuff : Okay, so no, I don't mean what you should wear on the date with Paul tonight. No I don't mean if you should break up with him, or stop being friends with her, because they gave you a bad look. These are questions like... do I move across the country? Do I quit my job? Do I go back to school? Should I move out?  Questions that you don't necessarily want to admit right away, or shouldn't admit. Questions that need some thinking.

For questions like these, my typical approach is to ask EVERYONE, mom, boss ,friends, dogs, what they think I should do. Most of the time, I hear what I don't want to hear, which is the whole point of asking for advice anyways, right? I then ask the experts (ie, if i am looking at grad schools, I make 45 informational interviews with doctors etc.) and see if they can sway my decision at all. And 9 times out of 10, I end up doing what I originally was going to do.

I have since found an easier  and less painful way of getting here. 
You must really only ask, or think one thing. Will this make me happy? Will this make me happier? The change that this brings about... will it increase my happy meter?

To back track a bit, imagine Sims (or see my previous post). If you don't know what Sims is, shame on your childhood (google it). In Sims, each person had a running meter of their happiness, love life, work life, friend life, fun life etc. And whenever they weren't having enough fun, it would go in the red zone and you'd lose points. Whoever created this mindset, is a genius! I now think of everything in my life in Sim points. Here's how it goes..

  Whenevermaking a decision- more pertinent to the big ones, but also to the small, just ask yourself this one question. Will it make my happy meter go up? If it doesn't, then DON'T do it. Of course some decisions will make your happy meter go down, then back up. Which is fine, you do need to look at it in the big picture. However, if you can make this decision, and make your happy meter go up consistently, then your path to good decision making, and happy decision making, and not having any regrets, will be paved very clearly. 

Now one may say, okay, so when  a drug addict wants another dosing, he says yes because it makes him happier? FALSE. This is when you need to look at it either in Sims, or in your true raw  happiness. Any drug addict knows that it is only a temporary high, but that they are using the drug to fill a void, to cover something up. They may not see it that way, or admit it, but it is there. If you consistently make decisions that make your happy meter go up, and KEEP it up, then this will work (also refer to my previous post). 

It has truly changed my life. Yes, I still am often incapable of making decisions, but mostly when they involve ANOTHER persons happiness. That's when it gets a little foggy because it is a selfish way of thinking. However, it does not have to be. You can use this to incorporate others. For example, if I am choosing whether to stay at home, or drive the 2 hours to Boston to see my boyfriend, and all I want to do is relax- that's when you have to weigh in the fact that seeing him will probably outweigh the 2 hour drive, and you will end up having that relaxing feeling once you are with him. It is easy to incpororate those factors into your happy meter.

On a last note on decision making from the book "Incognito- The secret lives of the brain" by David Eagleman, he had a great quote on making decisions.     

"....studies led researchers to propose that the feelings produced by physical states of the body come to guide behavior and decision making. Body states become linked to outcomes of events in the world.....sometimes the trick is merely to probe what your gut is telling you. So the next time a friend laments that she cannot decide between two options, tell her the easiest way to solve her problem: flip a coin. She should specify which option belongs on heads and which on tales. The important part is to assess her gut feeling after the coin lands. If she feels a subtle sense of relief at being "told" what to do by the coin, that's the right  choice for her. If, instead, she concludes that its ludicrous for her to make a decision based on a coin toss, that will cue her to choose the other option." 

It's a Sim Life

Sometimes I ponder to myself...


"Why Can't someone  just make all of my decisions for me? Why do I have to think about these things?". This level of rudimentary thinking makes me also reflect on my days... (and by days I mean months and months) of playing Sims. I hope that I do not have to explain what this game is, it was essential to any twenty-first century teens upbringing. (that and roller coaster tycoon that is..). For a while, the Sims were my life. They were my friends, they were my family. I was them (needless to say, that is why I did not have many friends outside of the Sims....)..kidding!


However, the Sim's have some amazing takeaway life lessons, both good and bad. The game encompasses many interesting and imposing outlooks on ways to look at life, that I discuss in the following points. 

Sim unrealistic lesson 1: Making decisions based on multiple choice answers.
If we all had our decisions laid out for us, like Johnny does here approaching the door, perhaps we would make decisions in very different ways. Sometimes, this is a good approach to take for life... if you can narrow it down (similar to a pro con list). Sometimes, it will cause too much stress or anxiety to come up with just a simple list... sometimes there is no simple list. And for that, the Sims methodology of thinking may not be best. I think it is very situational. Anything involving emotions should probably be looked at outside of a computer screen, otherwise, Sim thinking may be best. 
Conclusion: Useful in some situations, but a good strategy to use.

Sim unrealistic lesson 2: Relationships that are 100% honest.
Now that is not to say that when Johnny knocks on that door, he may or may not find his wife Cindy hooking up with his best friend Bobby. I don't mean that kind of honest. But honest in that the computer game offers Sim ratings, or levels, depending on how strong your relationship is with someone. If this were real life, then there would be no second guessing, there would be no hope, there would be no butterflies in your stomach. Everything is expected. 
Conclusion: This rating would not be useful, ever.

Sim unrealistic lesson 3: PlumbBob's to express emotions.
 
 The plumbBob is defined as (sim's wiki): used to identify the character selected and to which the player can give commands. It is also used to show the mood of playable Sims. 
And is used by (sim's wiki):  If the Sim is in a very good mood, the PlumbBob will be a bright, deep green. As the Sim's mood gets lower, the green will become paler until it becomes a sort of neutral color. A Sim in a bad mood will have a red PlumbBob, and the red will get brighter and deeper as the Sim's mood gets worse. 

So basically, the plumBob could tell people to stay away from you if your red, (or if they are a good friend to come help your day get better), or to come celebrate with you if you are green. This could be realllllllly useful. Good mood's and bad mood's are easily pportrayed, but still eencourages other's to find out more, to act as a friend, or to be cognizant of how others are.

Conclusion: Definitely a major plus.



Sim Unrealistic lesson 4:  Having your emotions laid out for you, literally.







 
 This is something that I often use when making decisions (more in the next post). It is very simple..just think in your mind... will this decision... (ie, going out for a drink, staying home and reading, working out... ) will it increase your SIM levels to be in a happy, healthy range? Will it put you where you want to be? Simply put, make all your decisions based on your own categories (Whether it be your kids, your animals, your job). Just make sure that your choices will reflect positively in whichever area you are working on improving.

And if that's too difficult, just look at it broadly. Will this decision, will this outcome, make me happier? Will it increase my SIM happiness level?  

User discretion:  YES, I know, this could be taken the wrong way. For example, if you are on a diet, or married, or whatever it is, and cheat (by eating a HUGE cupcake, or going home with a hunk at a bar), you need to think of your core, not your immediate pleasure center (not your dopamine response). Yes, it may make you happier, right now.. yes it may make you feel a sense or rebellion, or freedom. Okay. But will this last, will this be eternal? Perhaps if you are thinking about cheating on your spouse, then that's your decision right there... you shouldn't be in a relationship. So this mindset truly can apply to any and all situations, if you just look at your core , your honesty, and your intentions.


 Conclusion: This should be utililized in every body's life. This is essential. This will make your decisions come naturally.



While living in a world of Sims may be easier... ie... you never have to second guess if someone likes you, everyone has your hunger, hygeine, energy, social happiness levels in your best interest... and if you know the rosebud cheats, then you are loaded and have mega mansions (just sayin... that's how I played). But then the fun of the game wears out. 

And I think the fun of having someone control your e v e r y  m o v e would as well. 

With that, we can continue to fantasize, and perhaps truly learn that there are a few important life lessons from a childhood past time, a novice computer game, a taste of an unbecoming, yet insightful reality.

Paradoxal Easter

Easter is a time, where I look forward to the Easter egg hunt in my backyard, and the basket of random goodies, and cute outfits that the Easter bunny, so choosingly picks out for me. However, this year, I was staying at Greg's, so the Easter bunny had to postpone any such plans (he wouldn't know where to find me in Norfolk.

While staying at Greg's, his family said they were going to mass with his grandmother. After dating him 4 years, they have never been to mass. So I figured this would be a good opportunity to score some brownie points and get a Catholic experience, and to start off Easter in a righteous, and religious manner.

I texted my family, telling them I would be late for celebrations due to the mass. The responses that I got were straight from the heart, and came from life experiences of others in a Catholic ceremony. It truly meant a lot that my family was so concerned about my decision to attend this mass and offered such profound advice:

My mom replied saying, "Just know that when they go up to get communion you have to stay seated. you might feel weird sitting there while everyone else goes up.. but its no big deal.  especially on Easter  there are probably a lot of other heathens visiting too. just dont text during the service even if it is a text from jesus. who knows, you might like the formality and pageantry of a catholic church. at least they believe in something . plus.. the easter hymns are usually really upbeat and celebratory. and the little kids look soooo cute all dressed up. "

I then ask her what religion we are, since greg's grandmother asked, and I of course, had not the slightest idea. she replies, " rastafarian. No you were baptized protestant congregationalist". When i texted her it was over she said, "have you found the way of god?". Her comments were all in sincerest sacrcasm, since she understands my views on religion, and also in making light of the situation.

My cousins reply was: "dad  (my uncle) requests that you pray for us! its an up down up down ceremony. wear comfy shoes. dad requests that you count how many times you stand and sit... and according to him the waifer tastes like shit. lovely"!

I am glad that my family supports my potential of switching to catholicsm. After my experience I do not feel more or less enlightened, perhaps culturally enriched, and also the feeling that I really didn't miss out on THAT much by not going to CCD.

It seemed like CCD was such a large part of growing up, everyone knew everyone from there- they met new people- you were COOL if you went to CCD. That's where so many people got their first boyfriends. I have a vivid memory of sitting on the bus with my best neighborhood friend, and she was in tears because she had her first confession, and we were trying to figure out what she had done wrong, and needed to confess (stealing Bobby's jellybeans, or wearing her school clothes to play outside). Anyways, I always envied the Catholics. I always wondered... what goes on there? The whole concept seemed so obscure, mysterious, fun and new.

Well, going with gregs family, they stood and sat about 9 times, some of them for like 9 or 10 minutes. Thankfully i wore my comfy shoes. Thankfully, my Uncle warned me about all of this. The service wasn't all that different from what I expected. They mentioned jesus about 93209384 times more than my church, and didn't necessarily sing as harmoniously as my experiences. However, it is safe to say that with the respect of my family, as well as their sincerest advice, I (happily) survived my first Catholic experience.

But don't expect me to be going to my first confession any time soon!

Girls = My Life

“One of the major things is that sense of self. It does not need to be solidified forever, it’s not permanent, and that sense of yourself will continue to shift and flow throughout your life. And that’s okay. She’s helped me learn to embrace the gray area between black and white, which has been really wonderful.”
Allison Williams regarding Lena Dunham.


Post moving home, I watch more TV in a week then I ever did in all 4 years of college. I really don't like this. Sometimes, I feel guilty and try to do something, but most of the time the stuff I can do is limited (There are only so many scarfs you can knit, or Time magazines to read). 

 Some of the TV is trashy, some of it is inspiring. I think I could call Oprah, the cast of Modern Family, the Bachelor, Aria, Emily, Hanna and Spencer, and Hannah, Jessa, Soshawna and Marnie my best friends. And Taylor Swift. If only any of them ever talked back to me, it would be great. i wish. my life would be complete.

Most of the time when I watch Girls, I feel like Lena Dunham has literally unscrewed my head, stolen my thoughts, and made it into a tv show. Word for word.  Her thoughts, her realities embarked into this TV show, mirror the atypical, mid to young 20 year old, who has moved home and who does know know what the hell to do with their life, if they are living their life right, what to do with boys, how to deal with transitions and odd habits and weird eating and and and and.... The show is so raw, and crude at times, but it really is life. There is no masqurading reality.  It is what goes on in Post-grad friendships, relationships, family dynamics, jobs. Lena depicts it in such a humorous, realistic, painful, honest and careless way.  It is pure elegance.

In more ways then her writing and acting skills has she been able to help me to see who I am, and see that I am normal (at least compared to her TV show). It shows that what I am thinking and feeling is what happens to every girl at some point.  I knew this show was for me instantly when she opens up with her parents telling her that she is cut off (my parents took my credit card away when I moved home). It really just hit home.



Season 2, "Boys" episode when Marnie is talking with Charlie and inquiring about her life, that is when this show honestly depicted my life, and honestly made me realize probably the MOST important thing to date. This show brings me a sense of understanding, it is someone finding the key to my diary and opening it up, and saying that everything I have been saying and feeling is what is expected for someone my age. Most importantly, that whatever life gives me, whatever is next.. even if I have no idea what it is, or no idea why, or no idea what  i even want, is that it's supposed to be like that. 

And this is why I am obsessed with Lena. This is why I want to be friends with her. SHE KNOWS my brain. What Allison says is truly what Lena has been able to do for me through her show.
 


Transcribed:
 Marnie talking to Charlie on the rooftop about Charlie's new girlfriend being threatened by her: 

"Why would she be threatened... I'm a hostess... I don't know what the next year of my life will be like, I don't even know what the next week of my life will be like. I don't even know what I want. Sometimes I just wish someone would tell me like, this is how you should spend your days and, this is how the rest of your life should look like... I don't know... I mean, she's not intimidated." 

My New Roomates

Life Update: I am sitting in the basement of my parents house, 9 months out of college. I have a really good job at Brown Medical School, an amazing boyfriend of 4 years, and am still connected with my college friends, even moreso than when in college. I am running a half marathon this weekend, and I hate to run. I still have NO idea what I want to do with my life, where I want to be in 5 years, or where I want to retire. And it still scares me, but life goes on. 


My new roommates are pretty awesome, they pay my rent, do my laundry, pay the bills. The only thing they don't do is cook, pay for gas, or clean their house (they hired someone named "KIMBA" aka me, to come every Sunday). They yelled at me for going out too much this summer, and I therefore stopped going out totally (unless I go to Boston). It's a decent deal. I got a brand new bedroom with a closet double the size as my childhood room upstairs. My roommates are my parents, and I am not ashamed to admit it. 

For one to say it's an easy transition to be 22 years old, they are lying. For one to say it's an easy transition from being in college to working in general, they are lying. Now factor in new roomates/parents, and your whole life is upside down. While it doesn't make sense for me to move out (I don't really keep in touch with anyone here unfortunately, and by living at home I can save money to travel), it definitely wears one out. 

There is a loss of Independence, a loss of remembering what your own life is like, or knowing that you can even have your OWN life M-F. Independence only comes Fri from 5pm- Sun at 6pm (we have a family dinner every sunday night).  There is a loss of not having any time to do anything but work and eat. When talking with most other friends, they feel the same way. Is this what post-grad life is like? Is this what we have to look forward to for the next 50 years until retirement? I think so. I just think we learn to look at it a different way. We learn to accept this as our new now.

Thus, reflecting on my college days, I don't necessarily wish I was still there. Working is truly invaluable and I learn so much about myself, my colleagues, my career, my field that a book/classroom certainly cannot teach you. I know staying in college longer won't make anyone happy, it's about accepting what you are doing now. The one thing about college I would bring back is the social aspect, the aspect of always having a sister to snuggle with, or a friend to talk to. 

Growing up is part of that, part of losing people, gaining interests, losing time... you just need to find a way to make it feel right.

One plus of moving home, is that I got to move out of my closet of a bedroom, and have the whole basement to myself! The room in the basement used to be an office, so it is lined with bookshelves! I have taken to decorate each bookshelf a different theme. Enjoy!

My Collegiate Life: Sorority! AXO

Flowers...

My own pictures

My Mini Library.....

Beach!