I wouldn't trade this moment for any other

“Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things."

One of the perhaps most annoying things that someone can tell me is to "Live in the moment"... "take a step back... be in this moment." Although I do believe in this motto, I also find it 10x more difficult to do once someone has told me to do it. The moments that I find myself in "my" moment most are those when I am lost in time, so focused on the task at hand that nothing else matters. To me, living in the moment means forgetting about what else is going on, being totally absorbed in what I am doing, and being content at that. I will be the first to admit that I do not live in the moment 24/7, but that is why it is called a "moment" because it is not all the time, it is just for that moment in time.

My best friend Jackie always says, "she is having her moment" or... "this is my moment" or comments like that, which at times may be a bit confusing but it really is true in that someones moment could be their time that they define themselves, and it is okay for them to have that moment. Living in the moment can be whatever you want it to be, as long as you can recognize it and accept that moment and no other.

One thing most frustrating to me is when people change decisions, or alter their happiness in their moment for another moment. For example, making a decision about a job or relationship in the present, based off of something that may or may not happen in the next two years. Ultimately suffering in pain and an emptiness, all for this "something" in two years. It really frustrates me because it is so simple to attain happiness, purity, and bliss if you just accept this moment for what it is, and don't make a decision using the future as a guideline. The future is the accumulation of the many moments that you do have and for that it is in your own hands. By living for the future you are never accepting what you are in the now, and you never are seeing what you have available in the now. Once you can see what you have in the now, you won't need the future, you will be content.

So for me, perhaps my schoolwork and my friends give me the satisfaction of being in the now, of having my moments. But how does anyone else do it? Just as everything in life, it differs per individual. Truly. My Buddah friend showed me how a cat lives in the moment, and how everyone should strive to have the same presence of cats.

Become a cat... Live in this moment, be happy in the now... be you in the now.

Organic Chemistry

As my previous blogs have indicated, I took Organic Chemistry all summer. Well, I am now back into the swing of things at UNH. This fall I am in Physics, Animal Behavior, Ecology and English. I am also TA'ing chemistry, tutoring chemistry, working in a neuroscience research lab, volunteering at the hospital 4 hours a week, and am secretary of the Habitat for Humanity club. Wow! SO busy! I love it though, being busy constantly gives me peace of mind.

For my first English assignment, we had to write a short story, depicting an image from our life. I wrote a bunch, but one is very relevant to this topic. Please read and enjoy!

Typical college students live for the freedoms and chaos of summer, the relief of being out of classes for a few months. I guess I’m not your typical college student, because summer is the irritant that causes my palms to sweat and my twitchy leg to start shaking involuntarily. Just the thought of summer causes my mind to race, trying to plan every minute of each long day; but its impossible. Summer to me is an inevitable recipe for boredom, and I hate being bored. 

            My solution to the palms sweating, legs twitching, boring (some may call it relaxing) summer was to take organic chemistry 9-5, four days a week. For 12 weeks straight. When I told my friends, family and teachers, everyone called me crazy and said, “Why the hell would you do that to yourself?” This is the class deemed most horrible by all science majors, for it is countless memorization of thousands of reactions, and scribbles of lines and hexagons that mean nothing at first glance. It seemed as everyone but me knew the pain that it would cause.

I soon deemed myself as crazy too because I liked it. I liked sitting in a cinder-blocked, overly air conditioned building with crisp fluorescent lights, rather than the spacious, sunlit beach.  For me, my professor, Dr. Dele was able to bring the warmth from the beach into the classroom with his flamboyant Hawaiian shirts and thick Mozambique accent. He made my time there enjoyable.

 It wasn’t so much the structures and reactions that I was learning that I liked, but the feelings that I got when I had finished a problem. To me, organic chemistry was a different language, it was learning what went where and why for that specific case. For some reason I understood this language better than most people.  Leaving the classroom my mind would tense, straining to process more structures than I knew existed. It was a constant challenge, and also a constant feeling of achievement as my brain expanded and morphed into a direction I did not know possible. Organic was a mental rollercoaster that brought me from feeling like I had all the answers in the world, then quickly turning to knowing nothing. It was a high I had never felt before and especially one I never expected to feel from a damn science course in the middle of the summer.

Walking out of my final I felt confident that I had known every single answer. This feeling of assurance opened my eyes to the potential in myself. The world was mine and oddly, one of my happiest moments was the same moment that others deem as pure hell. I can truly call myself crazy.

A little preview of what you got to miss out on from organic:

Why R&R is impossible in 2010

Ah... so I am finally done with my summer courses, and can relax for the last three weeks of summer before school starts again..

This is what should have gone through my head.

However, the instant that i took my final, my mind zoooooooomed to the next topic.. what am I going to do today? What about tomorrow? I have to schedule my 23940824 events to fit in before I go back to school RIGHT now before I even leave campus. I have to get groceries, see Michelle, Meghan, Julia. Oh yea, and I have to find a way to make money.

How come my brain is trained, to NEVER have a minute to just sit, and breathe. Perhaps I am odd and it is much easier for some people to relax, however, comparing myself to much of my friends, I see that it is not uncommon.

In modern society, the boundary between work and play is ambiguous, and no one really truly can ever leave their "work", or "planning" behind when they go home. The second they go home they have to plan Tommy's christening, do the laundry, make invitations, cook dinner, maintain relationships. WHY do we put SO much pressure on ourselves, when life would be a lot easier to just relax? Why do we constantly need plans, and pressures, and always have stuff to worry about, when it is so easy to just eliminate them by saying no?

Plans gives us assurance. It makes us feel important because frankly, by having plans, it means you are with people, which means that people like you, which is usually most peoples goals in life, to maintain healthy friendships. Then how come planning becomes so stressful? Because of all of the new technology out! The iphones, the blackberries, the ipads.. even my rinky dink 2 year old phone, you can't buy anymore without the internet being mandated. All of these technologies are inhibiting one of our most natural tendencies, to relax, and sometimes, to even sleep.

Not only do these technologies trigger unhealthy endorphins and attitudes in our minds, they also legitimately never let any one JUST sit and read the newspaper outside. Think about it, when was the last time you just SAT and listened to music for an hour, or even drove without thinking of what you wanted to watch on tv, see who had updated their twitter. All of these things are POISON, but I am most guilty of it! Look I am a blogger and a tweeter!

Contemplating your worries in a crowded area (whether with other people, or if it is technology), won't let you successfully evaluate and weigh out your worries, which therefor make your MORE worried. 

So how do we relax? How do we escape from all of the technologies, plans, pressures, to want to be accepted, to be doing the right thing, to be "in" with the new iphones. We can't  do both, it truly is not physically possible. To be free, you must relax and find your own way to relax. Whatever it is that takes you to being just you, in the moment, find five, ten minutes a day, to just escape there. Even if it is just turning off your phone for ten minutes, and playing with your dog, it will be a peaceful ten minutes. We need our quiet time, and the beeps buzzes and bumps are the road bump in the way of successfully attaining quality R&R that some of us haven't experienced in years!

One of the most noticeable aspects of 2010 parenting, is that kids follow their parents. They look up to their parents, and even if parents never truly tell kids how to spend their relaxation time, they look at their parents when they are at home, and mimic what they do. "Well dad relaxes by watching tv, drinking a beer, and being sucked in by his blackberry... so that must be how to relax". Teens cant come up with this on their own, its a mirror image. Then the parent gets mad for the teen being on their phone/gameboy/iphone too much. Okay, well you are setting the example! Megan Vivo, author or Aspen education group says, "Teens are accustomed to a fast-paced lifestyle and are in a rush to grow up. In order to actually grow up instead of just acting grown up, teens need guidance from their parents".  Rather than sitting in front of the tv, or surfing the web together, go for a walk, go to yoga, play a game. 

Teens in 2010 are pretty much doomed. When I was born in 1990, computers were a rarity and cell phones were unknown. When my parents were born in 1960, type writers were common and tvs were a rarity. Now in 2010, NOT having a smart phone is a rarity, and R&R is unknown. I agree, it is hard to escape and just not have the phone, and not follow the trends. It would be impossible not to. What i am saying is to just put those things down for a minute, show your kids how to relax from when you were growing up, and what quality sitting back with your feet on the couch really feels like.

Lessons from Dele

Taking organic chemistry, people are usually in pain. Part of the reason my class is so pain-less this summer, is because of our professor Dr. Dele. Although I am not a student at the Universtiy that I am taking summer classes at, I have grown a fond liking to my teacher. The first week of classes he comes in with a thick nigerian accent, sandals that look fresh off the beach, and a hawaiin shirt. This trend was not only for mere first apperances, his wardrobe seems to ONLY consist of Hawaiian shirts. My first thoughts: SWEET! my second thoughts: shit..  I wont be able to understand him, and he will be confusing all surfer dude!

None of my first nor final thoughts have been accurate. So far Dr. Dele has been an amazing organic chemistry teacher, but he has been an even better philosophy teacher. Most teachers start rants that are endless, useless, and have no IMPORTANCE or RELEVANCE to our lives. Deles rants are astounding. As soon as he starts one I hurridly throw around my crap in my back to look for my little black planner, where i have designated the calendar month of July for Dele philosophy lessons. 

The first and so far most inspiring dele lesson has been about motivation and willingness. The summary of this specific rant was that if you do not open your mind to what you do, you make a barrier in your mind, and you will never be able to fully overcome the barrier. No matter when this barrier is made, it will always be impossible to fully jump over it. If one tells themselves that it is difficult, you are already creating a barrier. Who cares what other people have said.. it is similar to when meeting new people. If you go in to a new friendship with predjudices and gossip, you will view the person differently than who they really are, or than what your opinion is. The same thing can be applied anywhere in life.

Deles advice? Open your eyes, accept what it is, and throw away the predjuces. 

Every opinion, every choice, every friendship, has to do with your mind. By going into a friendship with a predjudice, you are not giving the individual a fair chance. This goes even for the 2930423th time meeting someone. For example, when I am nervous, I come off as a bitch, I am not going to lie. If people always base their first impression on me, I would be left friendless. 

Deles final words? Open your eyes, remove all predjuces and gossip from view, and remove the barrier. Allow your mind to control its own space and make its own feelings and decisions.

What is it Worth?

So this summer I am volunteering in the ER of a local hospital. It is super exciting at times and really shows what the hospital is, you know, the reality side of Grey's Anatomy. Although there are romances, jokes, and excellent relationships within the walls of a hospital, so much more goes in to each and every action. More recently than ever, I have been questioning what I want to do in life, and specifically, If i want to attend med school. Everyone always says "welcome to not having a life!" or "get ready for the lifestyle!". There have maybe been one or two people along the way that have been semi encouraging. Why is it that the most valued profession in our society has to have the worst lifestyle? Why is it that absolutely NO words of encouragement ever come out of anyones mouth when you mention you are pre-med?
I honestly do not know, and unfortunately have recently been discouraged by this lacklaster response.

Last night there was a really big party at which 40-50 of my friends from college all attended. I hesitated going, however, when I saw there was an ER shift available for Sat night, I jumped on the bandwagon to experience that. That honestly was probably the best decision I have made in a very long time. Not only do I not wake up hungover and completely disoriented, but this morning, I woke up feeling rejuvenated, and 100% more encouraged to follow my hearts desire, and not what my mind has been discouraging me from doing.

At the hospital last night, everything just fit, everything just worked. Even in times of rush and worry, I was honestly just floating from room to room, almost at cloud nine. The sealer of the night was when A kind Dr.  asked if I wanted to watch/assist a surgery. WHAT!? so cool! hell yes!!!

Honestly, just watching the Dr. at work really inspired me to push myself to the next level. Yes, my summer is HORRIBLE, in class 9-5, and yes, my school year is going to be HORRIBLE, and yes I know that med school, you don't have a LIFE. But... so what? what if I like it? what if I am inspired to WANT TO SAVE LIVES. Why should I be degraded for that?

Everyone's comments have really made a toll on my decision, and has truly caused my mind to explode in turmoil everytime I begin to think about my future. I start to think... is it really worth it?? It is really worth ultimately jeopardizing many of my relationships, my career, my unforeseen marriage and unforeseen future children? When you look at all of the things that a decision like med school affects.. it is really scary and endless. Is it worth it to sacrifice that much of your life, just to get the degree?

Unlike many of my other friends, I do not FEAR the future, I am not worried that I don't know what I want to do with my life, and I'm not worried that I really have no direction right now. Right now is the time in our life where we CAN have uncertainty, and it really doesn't matter.

I am fortunate enough to have this mindset in college, so that I do not stress about the little stuff, and in my spare time, I am able to relax without constantly saying AGHH WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO GET INTO MED SCHOOL. I think the uncertainty is kind of more of an encouraging force for me than anything else. It makes me want to explore, see what else will intrigue my mind.

Uncertainty is OK. it opens up other doors, that you would NEVER see if you had a distinct line of plans. Do NOT think about what it is worth in the long run. Do not list out the unforeseen children and boyfriends and husbands. Focus in the now, on what you want for yourself now, and where you want to go.

The saga of the century

Browsing the web just now, I came across an article about a man who lost his wife due to the hit, Twilight series. He mistakenly gave his wife the book, and her obsessive habits overruled their marriage. As sad of a story it is, it is a painfully true tale to many people. Not necessarily with the twilight saga, but with a multitude of other potential obsessions. Whether it be internal, or materialistic, obsessions can overrule feelings. Can feelings overrule obsessions?

An obsession is defined as something that "intrusively preoccupies the mind", which will differ drastically for every individual. However, the end result of the equation, tends to be the same. Regardless of how, or what it is, when one has a liking to something, they focus their attention too much on that, not allowing for everything else in their life to be on balance. Aha, their life is not in balance. B-A-L-A-NCE.

Why do obsessions start? Obsessions can start for many reasons, but primarily when you find something of interest, particularly something that can help your mind escape from reality. You obsess about this subject, so that you don't have to face the painful reality, and then you continue to hide behind this subject, because by then you have dug yourself into a further hole. This may sound obscure, however, this can happen even on a very minor level. It is also called filling a void.

My mother for example, is obsessed with yoga, which is ironic because she refused to do it for about ten years. When she finally started, whatever the feeling she got during it, it eased her mind and helped her escape from reality (sounds like a drug right??) Well, that is kind of what happens. When you like something, it releases dopamine and your body says- wow this is awesome, this is good, and then you start to crave that sensation again. You want that Dopamine rush.  Just as drugs do this to drug addicts, this is what happened with my mom. However, she has become so into yoga and doing stuff for herself, which is awesome, but when looking at it in perspective, it really is shifting her balance scale further away from everything else in her life. By her getting one part of her life in check, it is slowly disintegrating other areas.

I suppose the best example would be myself. I am addicted to many things. I could call it studying, but lets just call it learning. I will be the first person to admit it. I would not say I am obsessed with getting good grades, but just with learning. I know how to get good grades, I know the effort that goes into it, and I know what my result will be. However, the dopamine rush comes not from reading the books, but from those grades that i desire, that my mind craves. It is scary because there will be hours and I haven't thought of food, or days when i haven't seen friends, and for some reason it doesn't always phase me. Looking at it now, its very scary because I kind of go into this world, where that is the only thing that matters. And in reality, nothing should ever matter that much. Nothing, or No one is ever that important.

The last example, is about working. These days, many people work 50-60 hour weeks, and it is normal. How is spending 60% of your  life working normal? It is not! However, society has played it in to everyone's minds that it is, and that that is what is right. Working too aggressively has ruined so many relationships, because people either get too carried away, too power hungry, or simply use work to escape from the life at home that he or she does not want to face.

Obsessions, likings, hobbies, can be amazing things to your life, and everyone deserves to have numerous hobbies to keep their life balanced. Once the focus of hobbies drifts too strongly to one, it makes you lose sight of what else is out there, what else has potential. It makes you lose site of the joys and wonders that you already have in your life.

Let yourself be free, don't let obsessions tie you down and burying your life into a hole of fear, and shame.

The new beginning

So blogging was something I did when I was about 14, and wrote about what boys were cute, or more so what boys I fantasized from far away, because come on, boys were never interested in the blogger geek. It is a bit weird getting back into the blogging world, I feel so naive and that I have so much more to catch up on. The ral question is- who cares what I have to say? Who cares my thoughts? Probably no one, but one day, I will be glad I did this. One day, This blog will make a difference. 

For my first blog, I guess I will just summarize who I am. Because well, this blog is mine and I can do whatever I want.

To start off, I am 20 and a student at the University of New Hampshire. If I were to say my major, I would have to change it everyday, because I am never quite sure what my major is at one moment to the next. I started off undeclared, then did international affairs, then added on biology and psychology, and just today, yes today, I decided to do neuroscience (it is a new major this year!). Choosing my major is so difficult because I have no idea what I want to do. 

  My strongest belief is that everything happens for a reason, and therefore everything will work out on its own. Because of this theory, I tend to not have many long term worries (ask anyone who is close though and they will say I have lots and lots of short term worries), but realistically in the back of my head, I know it will work out, and I will end up where I should end up. But, I do think about every little thing in between. Does this still count as not worrying?

 
It is currently summer, and I am taking Organic Chemistry. ICK! actually,  I really enjoy it though, which may make me sick, or inhumane, or just a creature, but I really do like it, understand it and look forward to it. Perhaps it is because it comes easy to me, or because I really just love learning, I am not sure. Last summer, I spent the summer nannying on a boat, and working as a boathand. I could write about 20 books on that experience, and probably will some day.

I think this blog goal is to work through my thoughts, to visually put it on to paper, and maybe through doing that I will be able to see my end goal in life. Maybe help other's see theirs.

For now, I am just a 20 year old girl (stuck at this awful age!), living in Newport, RI for the summer, and trying to figure out where I should be going with my life. It honestly is a very scary thing when you think about it. However, in the end, it really truly always works out. This philosphy and stress free thinking method has helped me live very happily the past 2 years, and has made me the luckiest person ever.

I suppose the take home message of this entry is to just live life, and know that it will work out. In times of worry, in times of fear, it is unmotivating to acknowledge that everything happens for a reason, however, that is the bare truth to all matters, and knowing this will help one see the brightness and know that better days are to come, and that every individual is a survivor, and is a warrior. It is just a matter of choice.

You choose what your thoughts are. You choose how you react to things. You choose your future. Make it yours, and be proud ofi t.